Author: Richie Jackson

Categories
mushy

Heart Songs

These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singing

My strongest emotions are tied to music. Those whom I call friends already know this. Those that actually read this wandering, less than idealistic record of uninspired thoughts, may have also stumbled upon this truth.

Some say music can heal broken hearts, but it does not. Music can offer solace and be a much needed companion during the times that exist in between our moments of bliss. Music can also be our dance partner on the stage of euphoria.

The time line of my life is divided not by career, nor love interest (or subsequent heartache) but instead by pitch and key. Every day presses a different note, and strums a new chord. The beats vary, and rhythm ebbs and flows. The end of my existence will result in a symphony so very beautiful, flawed, pure and terrifying.

I hope to share my heart’s composition before it’s conclusion. I even pray that someone finds it worthy of adding their harmony to my melody.

Categories
mushy

Tell Her This

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all

Sometimes it is not easy to say what needs to be said. Most of the time if the words are hard to find, it is probably for the best. This prevents me from needing to remove my foot from my mouth as frequently as I already do.

What about the times, however, when I need to express a sentiment, or a feeling to someone, and I just cannot gather the strength of will to do so? Maybe this too, is also for the best. Many have said, including myself, “What is the worst that could happen?” Well, in the predicament I am in, there is a plethora of that which could go wrong.

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time

Categories
general

Enjoy the Silence

Vows are spoken to be broken.
Feelings are intense. Words are trivial.
Pleasures remain. So does the pain.

The move to the new house is near completion.  Most of my life’s belongings are unpacked and placed at their arbitrarily decided new location, where they will remain until I decide to move again and pack them away for an indefinite amount of time.  I am really comfortable in my new room.  It feels like home to me, more so than I have felt since I moved away from Rialto 7 years ago.

The one thing that disturbs me most about my new residence is the fact that it is so quiet.  In the apartment I recently abandoned, I had neighbors above me whose favorite hobby was to keep my roommates and myself as awake and annoyed as possible.  They honed this skill to perfection.  The neighbors across from us had a cockatiel that would chirp incessantly. I was definitely looking forward to moving and enjoying a new found silence.

Silence can sometimes be intensely emotional and turbulent.  In a conversation between two people, a lot can be said by saying nothing at all.  This kind of silence I can enjoy.   The look in someones eyes, or the body language of an individual speaks louder than any word in any language.  Words are akin to the slight of hand and misdirection a magician uses to distract you from reality.  Words are meaningless and forgettable.  What would we say if we could only speak truths about how we really feel?

In our busy, everyday activities we become so used to the background noise of life.  We tune most of it out. We hardly pay attention to it.  But we need it.  When left with only inner dialogue I am frightened by the realities of my life.  Words are seductively deceptive; thought is abstract, honest and scary. It wasn’t always this way for me.  I used to be extremely satisfied while trapped in my own head, alone.  Something changed, and I need to figure out what.

Categories
mushy

Crash Into Me

Having a crush on someone feels exactly like it felt as a kid the night before a trip to Disneyland.  Excitement. Anticipation. Overload.

I can’t believe that after all of these years, I still get butterflies in my stomach when trying to talk to someone that I think I may “like”.  I mean, I communicate for a living.  It is what I do.  I have become quite skilled at translating abstract ideas into applicable lessons and stories in order to make a point.  I throw in a a couple cups of humor; 2tsp of sarcasm; and a dash of me not taking myself too seriously – and I am left with a recipe for successful communication. Despite this fact, if I am put in front of someone I am secretly admiring… it is complete chaos.

I think the problem could be the possibility that the area of the brain which normally provides my linguistic prowess, is also occupied by my desire for requited affection.  The two cannot occupy the same place at the same time.  Neurons will start crashing into each other.  Logic breaks down.  I begin to get nervous when the words do not get delivered by the same electrochemical silver platter in which I have become so accustomed.

The same thing happens the night before a trip to Disneyland.  We can only think of all of the daring roller coaster rides.  We remember how scary the Haunted House is.  We recall the Matterhorn being adventurous and dangerous.  We fall to sleep with a smile on our face because logic has faded behind a curtain of our own desire to be happy.

The next day we remember what a trip to Disneyland is really about.  2 hour drive to the park.  Long walk from the parking lot.  Hot California summer sun.  Excruciating long lines for rides that are not even as dangerous as we remembered.  The Haunted House is lame, and the Matterhorn is closed for repairs.  We stayed up all night excited for this? Please!

The lesson? I guess sometimes it is better just to be excited than it is to take the trip.

Categories
general

Where Would I Be?

First, I want to thank everyone for your prayers and good thoughts during my surgery and recovery.  It was not an easy experience for me.  My time in the hospital following the surgery was especially rough.  My adorable mom came and took care of me during the week following being released from the hospital.  I could not have made it without her help.

Now that I have been home for a couple weeks I realize that the physical distress felt from this surgery is no where near the emotional distress I am feeling now.

This surgery is just the beginning.  What I need to do now is change my life.  I don’t want to have my life changed by the weight I lose.  I want the weight I lose to be caused by my change in lifestyle.  A lot of people assume that this surgery is a magical cure to obesity.  It is not.  I am still doing the hard work.  The surgery just makes it so it is almost impossible to cheat.

I need to surround myself with people who can encourage me, and who are as dedicated to living healthy lives as I need to be.

I have just begun this difficult journey.  The best is yet to come.

Categories
general mushy

Love Me Dead

On Thursday I undergo surgery. It is a fairly common operation, however I am at high risk. I am nervous about having this procedure done, despite the fact that it will change my life forever in a positive way. Even though it is possible that gastric bypass surgery can in some cases lead to death, I am pretty certain that what I am doing now, isn’t living.

I do not feel human. I exist outside of the rest of the populace due to my size. I know full well that I did this to myself. There have been millions of choices that I have made that has led me to this point. Changing my decision making process at this point has become impossible without help. I need a drastic change. This surgery is that drastic change.
There are a few things that I need from my friends and family as of right now:

First is prayer. Please pray that God is there with me on the operating table.

Second is support and encouragement. If the surgery goes well (and with your prayers, it will) my lifestyle is going to change dramatically. I need the support from my friends and family to push me to continue down the right path. I will need the encouragement and reminders as to why I have chosen this change in my life.

Lastly, I need understanding. As I begin to change outwardly a lot of you guys might assume that I am changing inwardly as well. I will always be me (whether you like it or not). Just because I might begin to look different doesn’t mean how I feel about any of you will change. You know how much I care about all of you. This will always remain a constant – unless you do something to make me hate you. 🙂

I was debating whether or not I was even going to post this. This is a very personal thing. I am ashamed of myself and the fact that it has to come to this. It is not very often that I openly talk about these kinds of emotions. I usually keep my true personal feelings to myself. This is different. I need the support. I need the accountability. I need the transparency. I need as much prayer as I can get.

Please think of me this Thursday. If something happens… just know that I will be seeing most of you again. I was privileged to be able to lead a lot of you in worship before, maybe there is still a spot open for a keyboardist and vocals in heaven.

Categories
rant work

The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

The world has turned and left me here
Just where I was before you appeared.
And in your place an empty space
Has filled the void behind my face.

People come and go in your life. The types of people who make a tremendous impact on your life are usually the ones that don’t stick around too long. Maybe they disappeared because of something you shouldn’t have done or said; maybe that’s the impact – Learning a hard lesson.

How many times does this lesson need to be learned before we look back and realize that we have stood still while the world keeps turning. If we don’t take the time to appreciate the little things, and the important people in our lives, then what do we have left to live for? We can’t just meander through life and hope for the best.

Times are tough for me right now. My stress level is higher than its been in a while. The last time I was this stressed was as a Supervisor in Boise. We are doing a huge ramp up at work. 20 people in my next training class. I am just hoping we can get that many people hired in time. The whole company is depending on me to get 20 people trained. It feels like all eyes are on me. If I fail, the company hurts.

On top of this, I am part owner in another company. This company is on the brink of emerging from its cocoon. It is my job to ensure this happens. Between my 2 jobs I have not had the time to focus on the little things, nor spend quality time with those whom are important to me. I am not even sure who is important and who isn’t these days.

I have always been one who finds beauty in the small and otherwise unnoticed phenomena in life. Lately I would be lucky to make it through the day without wanting to scream. I need to take more time for me, and focus on my health, my needs, my wants. These are the rough times. This too shall pass.

Do you believe what I sing now?

Categories
mushy

Another Lonely Day

Yes indeed I’m alone again
And here comes emptiness crashing in
Its either love or hate
I cant find in between
Cause Ive been with witches
And I have been with a queen

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
So now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

Wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
But temptation from you
But Id rather walk alone
Than chase you around
Id rather fall myself
Than let you drag me down

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
And now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

Yesterday seems like a life ago
Cause the one I love
Today I hardly know
You I held so close in my heart oh dear
Grow further from me
With every fallen tear

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
So now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

-Ben Harper

It is weird to think how alone I feel after coming back home from California. Being surrounded by family, watching my little brother get married, seeing “her”… It was all just so… so… overwhelming.

But back here in Utah I am surrounded by my friends; my surrogate family. I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be grateful. I should be happy to be back to work. I should be happy I have another training class starting Monday. I should be happy that Gutsy Gibbon is released. There are so many things I should be happy about, yet, I am not.

I will be happy, but for now it’s just another lonely day.

Categories
mushy

La Mar (The Ocean)

This day is getting older,
In fading light it’s beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
And too soon I’ll feel it’s pull.

Still, I took all my chances,
Earned myself an even score.
Try to learn my lessons well.
And I don’t have the answers,
For those questions anymore.
Only love can be both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
For the road is long ahead.
I’ll be with you even though we’re apart,
But your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, slows your mind.

I’ve grown old on this ocean,
Gave it all, my stronger years.
Gave all of my devotion,
When you died, the ocean my tears.

I would have taught you well son,
All of everything I knew.
Of how to live this life, be true.
Don’t bow your head to no one,
And no matter what you do,
If you start then see it through.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
For the road is long ahead.
I’ll be with you even though we’re apart,
But your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, slows your mind.

-The Beautiful Girls

Categories
general

So Much to Say

I find sometimes it’s easy to be myself. Sometimes I find its better to be somebody else.

I say my hell is the closet, I’m stuck inside.
Can’t see the light.
And my heaven is a nice house in the sky; got central heating and I’m alright.
Can’t see the light.
Keep it locked up inside don’t talk about it.
Talk about the weather.
Can’t see the light.
Open up my head and let me out.
Here we have been standing for a long long time.
Treading trodden trails for a long long time.

-Dave Matthews Band

It has been recently brought to my attention that I have not updated my blog in over a month. I could give countless reasons as to why I have not had the time/energy/desire to do so, but instead I will spare you, dear reader, from such boring and dreaded details. There is so much to say, and I am not feeling as transparent today as I was feeling at the time of my last entry.

Speaking of my last entry, I spoke of how I have been taking better care of myself. Life, being the cruel ironic beast that it is, decided to reward my efforts by making me severely ill. I have visited the hospital 5 times in the last 2 weeks, and probably have a couple more trips to go. Again, I will not go into the details of this ordeal, just know that it has not been the greatest time of my life. Since I am a realist (please do not confuse this term with either “optimist” nor “pessimist”), I see the silver lining. Work has been so crazy busy in the last few months, that my recent physical trauma has allowed me to catch my breath. The downside too all of this (again, being the realist that I am) is the fact that I have had too much free time to contemplate things that would normally be repressed by distraction.

The last month hasn’t been all bad. There have been some truly amazing things that have happened in my life that have seemed to give me hope. My intended lack of transparency forces me not to expand on this topic.

Tomorrow, I will go back to work a new man. I’m feeling better. I am ready to kick the tires and light the fires. I think the fall/winter season, which for me usually leaves me feeling cynical and irreparable, has a chance of being salvaged.