Tag: lyrics

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mushy

Another Lonely Day

Yes indeed I’m alone again
And here comes emptiness crashing in
Its either love or hate
I cant find in between
Cause Ive been with witches
And I have been with a queen

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
So now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

Wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
But temptation from you
But Id rather walk alone
Than chase you around
Id rather fall myself
Than let you drag me down

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
And now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

Yesterday seems like a life ago
Cause the one I love
Today I hardly know
You I held so close in my heart oh dear
Grow further from me
With every fallen tear

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
So now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

-Ben Harper

It is weird to think how alone I feel after coming back home from California. Being surrounded by family, watching my little brother get married, seeing “her”… It was all just so… so… overwhelming.

But back here in Utah I am surrounded by my friends; my surrogate family. I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be grateful. I should be happy to be back to work. I should be happy I have another training class starting Monday. I should be happy that Gutsy Gibbon is released. There are so many things I should be happy about, yet, I am not.

I will be happy, but for now it’s just another lonely day.

Categories
mushy

La Mar (The Ocean)

This day is getting older,
In fading light it’s beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
And too soon I’ll feel it’s pull.

Still, I took all my chances,
Earned myself an even score.
Try to learn my lessons well.
And I don’t have the answers,
For those questions anymore.
Only love can be both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
For the road is long ahead.
I’ll be with you even though we’re apart,
But your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, slows your mind.

I’ve grown old on this ocean,
Gave it all, my stronger years.
Gave all of my devotion,
When you died, the ocean my tears.

I would have taught you well son,
All of everything I knew.
Of how to live this life, be true.
Don’t bow your head to no one,
And no matter what you do,
If you start then see it through.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
For the road is long ahead.
I’ll be with you even though we’re apart,
But your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, slows your mind.

-The Beautiful Girls

Categories
general

So Much to Say

I find sometimes it’s easy to be myself. Sometimes I find its better to be somebody else.

I say my hell is the closet, I’m stuck inside.
Can’t see the light.
And my heaven is a nice house in the sky; got central heating and I’m alright.
Can’t see the light.
Keep it locked up inside don’t talk about it.
Talk about the weather.
Can’t see the light.
Open up my head and let me out.
Here we have been standing for a long long time.
Treading trodden trails for a long long time.

-Dave Matthews Band

It has been recently brought to my attention that I have not updated my blog in over a month. I could give countless reasons as to why I have not had the time/energy/desire to do so, but instead I will spare you, dear reader, from such boring and dreaded details. There is so much to say, and I am not feeling as transparent today as I was feeling at the time of my last entry.

Speaking of my last entry, I spoke of how I have been taking better care of myself. Life, being the cruel ironic beast that it is, decided to reward my efforts by making me severely ill. I have visited the hospital 5 times in the last 2 weeks, and probably have a couple more trips to go. Again, I will not go into the details of this ordeal, just know that it has not been the greatest time of my life. Since I am a realist (please do not confuse this term with either “optimist” nor “pessimist”), I see the silver lining. Work has been so crazy busy in the last few months, that my recent physical trauma has allowed me to catch my breath. The downside too all of this (again, being the realist that I am) is the fact that I have had too much free time to contemplate things that would normally be repressed by distraction.

The last month hasn’t been all bad. There have been some truly amazing things that have happened in my life that have seemed to give me hope. My intended lack of transparency forces me not to expand on this topic.

Tomorrow, I will go back to work a new man. I’m feeling better. I am ready to kick the tires and light the fires. I think the fall/winter season, which for me usually leaves me feeling cynical and irreparable, has a chance of being salvaged.

Categories
general

Open Road Song

Tonight I feel ambitious
And so does my foot as it sinks on the pedal
I press it to the floor
I don’t need a girl don’t need a friend
Cause my friend lonesome’s unconditional
We’re flying forever bored
And for a moment I love everything
That I see and think and feel
I love my broken side view mirror
Cause it’s so perfect
I’m so perfect, you’re so perfect, you’re not here
I hear the change in gears

Actually my car wasn’t changing gears at all. My check engine light came on last week. I figured that since my car was still running perfectly and was not overheating that it was some simple fix. Being the responsible car owner that I am, I decided to take it to Auto Zone for a free check engine light test. Of course, they didn’t have the correct codes for this particular issue. They told me I would have to take it to a dealer to get it checked out, but that they could see that the issue was something to do with a transmission sensor. Saturday night, on my way home from work my car started running really poorly. It was constantly at 5k RPM’s when I was only doing 40mph. Then I started smelling something funny from up under the hood. “We’ve got a piper down, I repeat, the piper is DOWN!”

My pile shakes as I hit 35mph on the open road.

To make a long story short, my car is drivable again. I only had to spend $640 to make this possible. I hate car dealerships, they always bend you over. I will say this though; they were fast and very good about shuttling me around when my car was in their care. Also, my car is running better than it has in a long time. You can’t put a price tag on that. You can, however, put a price tag on a transmission solenoid sensor replacement and transmission flush, and apparently that price is $635.83.

Good thing for me I have a money tree in the back yard that I can hit up whenever it’s convenient. I should get one for my parents, since they constantly reminded me when I was a kid that they didn’t have one, especially around Christmas time. Maybe I will get them their own money tree for Christmas this year.

So now, it’s time for a cruise on the open road. I will hopefully be making my way up to Boise in the near future.

I crack a window and feel the cool air cleanse my every pore
As I pour my poor heart out
To a radio song that’s patient and willing to listen
My volume drowns it out
But that’s ok cause I sound better then him anyway any day
Yeah my voice is sweet as salt
I search for comfort and I’ve found it where I’ve found it many times before
Times before can be forgotten

Categories
general

Days Go By

Days go by and still I think of you, days when I couldn’t live my life without you.I am now living in Utah. I have been here for almost 2 weeks. Things are definitely different. Different job, different state, different environment. My car almost ran out of gas the other day, so I pulled up into a gas station to find it was closed! A gas station was closed! Welcome to Utah!

I miss all my friends in Boise. I made a lot of good friends out there. I can’t believe I lived in Boise for almost 3 years. I normally don’t stay in a place long enough to make the high caliber friends that I made, but Boise was the exception. I had a good thing going for me there, but I needed a change. I felt too stagnant. I have done some soul searching. I think I am somewhat afraid of being happy. I don’t know what to do when I’m happy. It feels wrong. When things are complicated and confusing and difficult I know what to do. Those types of situations I am comfortable with because I have been dealing with those types of situations for the past decade.

Thank you to all of you who came out to Lindy’s on my last night in Boise. I appreciate all of you so much. In a month I will be heading out there for an extended weekend. I will make sure Thursday night at Lindy’s is off the hook. Tell Wendy I’m coming!

Days go by and I get more comfortable with being out here. It almost feels like I never left. I have hooked up with my old friends out here and been having a blast. I have been hanging out with Wes, and Kris, and even Ryssa. Today I put my new computer desk together so I no longer have to sit on the floor to get online.

Now that I am closer to home I need to plan a trip to California. There are a lot of people out there that are important to me that I haven’t seen in a while.

You are still a whisper on my lips, a feeling at my finger tips, pulling at my skin. You leave me when I’m at my worst, feeling as if I’ve been cursed by the bitter cold within.

Categories
general

Traffic in the Sky

There’s traffic in the sky
And it doesn’t seem to be getting much better
There’s kids playing games on the pavement
Drawing waves on the pavement
Shadows of the planes on the pavement
It’s enough to make me cry
But that don’t seem like it would make it feel better
Maybe it’s a dream and if I scream
It will burst at the seams and
This whole place will fall into pieces

I moved away from home in California 5 years ago to start a new life and clean up my act. I thought it was a good idea. It took 3 years and 4 moves later to finally clean up, and even still I am not the best person. I still have my immaturities and rough spots.

I have become real good at one thing over the last 5 years though. Moving. Disappearing. Changing. Not only have I become good at it, but I even enjoy it. I like the look of my car when it’s packed full of my life’s belongings. I like the feel of the open road, knowing that when I reach my destination I have a new life waiting for me. Wait. A new life? That’s not right. Have I become so diluted as to think that changing my surroundings will fix me? Shouldn’t I have figured out by now that moving does not solve anything? But, then again, getting out of California was good for me, right?

Puzzle pieces in the ground
but no one ever seems to be digging
Instead they’re looking up towards the heavens
with their eyes on the heavens
The shadows on the way to the heavens
It’s enough to make me cry
But that don’t seem like it would make it feel better
The answers could be found
We could learn from digging down
But no one ever seems to be digging

I leave Boise on Sunday. I am moving back to Utah. Why? That’s an extremely good question; one that I am not sure I know the answer too. It just feels right to me. I am done with the call center supervisor gig for now. I am ready for a change in careers. I want to get back into technology. I want to be closer to home. With the job in Orem, I will be doing what I love, and will not be responsible for anyone else but me. There is a lot of stress I feel now that I won’t feel at this new job.

Words of wisdom all around
But no one ever seems to listen
They talk about their plans on the paper
Building up from the pavement
There’re shadows from the scrapers on the pavement
It’s enough to make me sigh
But that don’t seem like it would make it feel better
The words are all around
But the words are only sounds
And no one ever seems to listen

So many of my friends in Boise tell me I am making a bad decision. They think I am running away from my problems instead of confronting them. I don’t think that is the case at all, in fact I am not even sure what problems they think I’m running away from. I have made some bad relationship decisions lately, and have been struggling at work, but nothing that I need to run away from. This is a good opportunity for me. This move is calculated. I just have to be careful about future moves. I can only stretch myself out so much. It does take a large amount of energy to adjust to a new place and new people. I might get to the point where moving for a job opportunity just isn’t worth it.

If you keep adding stones, soon the water will be lost from the well.

Categories
mushy

Shine All the Time

There was a string of pearls and I gave them to the sky. I honestly tried to play the games that you designed. Emotional swings leave us left with only desire, and we swing around alive. It’s only alive if love stays alive. You know you’re not really alive; you’re just a shadow falling behind. No matter how much you try you can’t make the sun shine all the time.

I turned away; you started to say what a dream it could be. I shifted my eyes. I tried to be kind. When there’s no one and there’s no hope then there’s nothing left to believe.

So where are you now? I’m wondering how to fall down on my knees and finally admit all the things I believe.

Categories
mushy

A Long December

A long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last. I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving. Now the days go by so fast.

I can’t find a word to describe how I am feeling. This time of year is especially hard for me ever since I moved away from home. I wasn’t always this over-sentimental until I was so far removed from my family and friends. I wish it were possible to go home for the holidays this year. It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean, guess I should.

It is hard to get excited about anything. My mind seems eternally fixated on the memories of distant winters in California. I think of all the times with friends and family, and those with whom for a brief moment in time I was in love. Oh to be young and carefree again is a dream that I imagine we all share from time to time. A time when being in love was as easy as getting a sunburn and getting heartbroken hurt just as bad, until a new love interest made its presence known the next day.

Today love is complicated. It has rules. It is defined. Why? Why can’t I allow myself to just be happy with someone? Why do I allow disappointment and anguish to characterize my very being? Why do I pursue and get into relationships which I KNOW have no chance of ever ultimately succeeding? What am I hiding? What am I afraid of?

It’s 5am. It is time to sleep. Maybe if I am lucky I will have that dream of being young and carefree and in love. I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.

Categories
work

Gone

Gone going
Gone everything
Gone give a damn
Gone be the birds when they don’t want to sing
Gone people
All awkward with their things
Gone

Tomorrow is my last day at DirecTV. It is going to be tough to say goodbye to my teammates, my friends, my co-workers, pretty much everyone. In the last 2 years I have forged many relationships, professional and personal; relationships in which I place a very high value. It is hard to believe that tomorrow, everything changes.

Well look at you out to make a deal
You try to be appealing but you lose your appeal
And what about those shoes you’re in today
They’ll do no good
On the bridges you burnt along the way

I am trying as hard as I possibly can to not burn any bridges. It is impossible not to burn any. The very act of me leaving burns several bridges. I know I will never be able to step foot in that building as a team leader ever again. I hope I made the right decision.

Categories
work

The Distance

They deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
Fuel burning fast on an empty tank,
Reckless and wild they pour through the turns,
Their prowess is potent and secretly stern.
As they speed through the finish the flags go down.
The fans get up, and get out of town.
The arena is empty except for one man,
Still driving and striving as fast as he can.

I was made an offer by another company. I accepted the offer. I will start on November 7th. My last day at DirecTV will be October 31st. I will then take a week long vacation and mentally prepare for the new job.

There are a myriad of emotions I am feeling right now. Excitement, of course; but the excitement is being slightly soured by fear, guilt and sadness. I love my job at DirecTV. I am in no way leaving because of any disdain or negative feelings about my current employer. I love the people in the building. I believe strongly in our product and the direction our business owners are heading.

Am I leaving for money? This new company is offering me a substantially larger salary base than DirecTV is. Does this make me greedy? Probably, a little. I would be an idiot if I turned down this offer.

I am going the distance, and I am a little nervous.