Tag: mushy

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mushy

Cocoon

Based on your smile
I’m betting all of this might be over soon
But you’re bound to win
Because if I’m betting against you, I think I’d rather lose

But this is all that I have so please
Take what’s left of this heart and use
Please use only what you really need
You know I only have so little so please
Mend your broken heart and leave

I never stood a chance. It was doomed from the very beginning. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to fall. I could have avoided this, and I wouldn’t be feeling what I am feeling now. Those who know me, however, knew it was inevitable. Yes, this has broken me.

I know it’s not your style
And I can tell by the way that you move it’s real real soon
But I’m on your side
And I don’t want to be your regret
I’d rather be your cocoon

If I wanted to be selfish then I would have no problems being someone’s regret. When I truly love someone, though, it is best to ensure their happiness regardless of how it leaves me feeling. Sometimes, in order to protect the person I love it means I cannot say those words, no matter how much it stings not to.

But this is all that you have so please
Let me take what’s left of your heart and I will use
I swear I’ll use only what I need
I know you only have so little so please
Let me mend my broken heart and…

I do need some mending right now. How can I mend, dear reader, when everyone else is broken around me. I promise you it wouldn’t take much to get me on the road to recovery- just someone to love me. But not JUST someone. I do want her.

You said this was all you had, and it’s all I need
But blah, blah, blah because it fell apart and
I guess it’s all you knew and all I had
But now we have only confused hearts and
I guess all we have is really all we need

So please
Let’s take these broken hearts and use
Let’s use only what we really need
You know we only have so little so please
Take these broken hearts and leave

I’m thinking that maybe it will take me walking away in order to recover from this. Leaving is something I do really well, dear reader.

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mushy

Heart Songs

These are my heart songs
They never feel wrong
And when I wake for goodness sake
These are the songs I keep singing

My strongest emotions are tied to music. Those whom I call friends already know this. Those that actually read this wandering, less than idealistic record of uninspired thoughts, may have also stumbled upon this truth.

Some say music can heal broken hearts, but it does not. Music can offer solace and be a much needed companion during the times that exist in between our moments of bliss. Music can also be our dance partner on the stage of euphoria.

The time line of my life is divided not by career, nor love interest (or subsequent heartache) but instead by pitch and key. Every day presses a different note, and strums a new chord. The beats vary, and rhythm ebbs and flows. The end of my existence will result in a symphony so very beautiful, flawed, pure and terrifying.

I hope to share my heart’s composition before it’s conclusion. I even pray that someone finds it worthy of adding their harmony to my melody.

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mushy

Tell Her This

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all

Sometimes it is not easy to say what needs to be said. Most of the time if the words are hard to find, it is probably for the best. This prevents me from needing to remove my foot from my mouth as frequently as I already do.

What about the times, however, when I need to express a sentiment, or a feeling to someone, and I just cannot gather the strength of will to do so? Maybe this too, is also for the best. Many have said, including myself, “What is the worst that could happen?” Well, in the predicament I am in, there is a plethora of that which could go wrong.

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time

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mushy

Crash Into Me

Having a crush on someone feels exactly like it felt as a kid the night before a trip to Disneyland.  Excitement. Anticipation. Overload.

I can’t believe that after all of these years, I still get butterflies in my stomach when trying to talk to someone that I think I may “like”.  I mean, I communicate for a living.  It is what I do.  I have become quite skilled at translating abstract ideas into applicable lessons and stories in order to make a point.  I throw in a a couple cups of humor; 2tsp of sarcasm; and a dash of me not taking myself too seriously – and I am left with a recipe for successful communication. Despite this fact, if I am put in front of someone I am secretly admiring… it is complete chaos.

I think the problem could be the possibility that the area of the brain which normally provides my linguistic prowess, is also occupied by my desire for requited affection.  The two cannot occupy the same place at the same time.  Neurons will start crashing into each other.  Logic breaks down.  I begin to get nervous when the words do not get delivered by the same electrochemical silver platter in which I have become so accustomed.

The same thing happens the night before a trip to Disneyland.  We can only think of all of the daring roller coaster rides.  We remember how scary the Haunted House is.  We recall the Matterhorn being adventurous and dangerous.  We fall to sleep with a smile on our face because logic has faded behind a curtain of our own desire to be happy.

The next day we remember what a trip to Disneyland is really about.  2 hour drive to the park.  Long walk from the parking lot.  Hot California summer sun.  Excruciating long lines for rides that are not even as dangerous as we remembered.  The Haunted House is lame, and the Matterhorn is closed for repairs.  We stayed up all night excited for this? Please!

The lesson? I guess sometimes it is better just to be excited than it is to take the trip.

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general mushy

Love Me Dead

On Thursday I undergo surgery. It is a fairly common operation, however I am at high risk. I am nervous about having this procedure done, despite the fact that it will change my life forever in a positive way. Even though it is possible that gastric bypass surgery can in some cases lead to death, I am pretty certain that what I am doing now, isn’t living.

I do not feel human. I exist outside of the rest of the populace due to my size. I know full well that I did this to myself. There have been millions of choices that I have made that has led me to this point. Changing my decision making process at this point has become impossible without help. I need a drastic change. This surgery is that drastic change.
There are a few things that I need from my friends and family as of right now:

First is prayer. Please pray that God is there with me on the operating table.

Second is support and encouragement. If the surgery goes well (and with your prayers, it will) my lifestyle is going to change dramatically. I need the support from my friends and family to push me to continue down the right path. I will need the encouragement and reminders as to why I have chosen this change in my life.

Lastly, I need understanding. As I begin to change outwardly a lot of you guys might assume that I am changing inwardly as well. I will always be me (whether you like it or not). Just because I might begin to look different doesn’t mean how I feel about any of you will change. You know how much I care about all of you. This will always remain a constant – unless you do something to make me hate you. 🙂

I was debating whether or not I was even going to post this. This is a very personal thing. I am ashamed of myself and the fact that it has to come to this. It is not very often that I openly talk about these kinds of emotions. I usually keep my true personal feelings to myself. This is different. I need the support. I need the accountability. I need the transparency. I need as much prayer as I can get.

Please think of me this Thursday. If something happens… just know that I will be seeing most of you again. I was privileged to be able to lead a lot of you in worship before, maybe there is still a spot open for a keyboardist and vocals in heaven.

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mushy

Another Lonely Day

Yes indeed I’m alone again
And here comes emptiness crashing in
Its either love or hate
I cant find in between
Cause Ive been with witches
And I have been with a queen

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
So now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

Wish there was something
I could say or do
I can resist anything
But temptation from you
But Id rather walk alone
Than chase you around
Id rather fall myself
Than let you drag me down

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
And now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

Yesterday seems like a life ago
Cause the one I love
Today I hardly know
You I held so close in my heart oh dear
Grow further from me
With every fallen tear

It wouldn’t have worked out any way
So now its just another lonely day
Further along we just may
But for now its just another lonely day

-Ben Harper

It is weird to think how alone I feel after coming back home from California. Being surrounded by family, watching my little brother get married, seeing “her”… It was all just so… so… overwhelming.

But back here in Utah I am surrounded by my friends; my surrogate family. I shouldn’t feel this way. I should be grateful. I should be happy to be back to work. I should be happy I have another training class starting Monday. I should be happy that Gutsy Gibbon is released. There are so many things I should be happy about, yet, I am not.

I will be happy, but for now it’s just another lonely day.

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mushy

La Mar (The Ocean)

This day is getting older,
In fading light it’s beautiful.
This wind is blowing colder,
And too soon I’ll feel it’s pull.

Still, I took all my chances,
Earned myself an even score.
Try to learn my lessons well.
And I don’t have the answers,
For those questions anymore.
Only love can be both heaven and hell.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
For the road is long ahead.
I’ll be with you even though we’re apart,
But your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, slows your mind.

I’ve grown old on this ocean,
Gave it all, my stronger years.
Gave all of my devotion,
When you died, the ocean my tears.

I would have taught you well son,
All of everything I knew.
Of how to live this life, be true.
Don’t bow your head to no one,
And no matter what you do,
If you start then see it through.

So sturdy up, sturdy up your heart,
For the road is long ahead.
I’ll be with you even though we’re apart,
But your road is yours to tread.
And so it goes, slows your mind.

-The Beautiful Girls

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mushy

When You Sleep

Work is well. I’m starting to treat my body better. I stopped eating fast food over a month ago and its now been over 4 months since I quit smoking. I find myself parking further away from the entrance at work to force myself to walk more. This may even lead to me getting a gym membership and actually exercising. *Richie to hell: Is it getting cold down there?*

So if I am doing better, and feeling better, why am i so sleepless? The answer to that is lame, and I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted to talk about it here. I have been so transparent in the past, I might as well open up again.

I have lost my connection to the world. I feel cut off. I feel very alone. I feel unloved and not cared about. I doubt many people give much thought to my well being and that is a huge source of discomfort for me. I am sure my family cares, as do some of my close friends. But for now “close friends” means the people I have known for a few years since I moved to Utah, and “family” means the people I pissed off many years ago in California before I came out here.

I think I would sleep better at night if I could know that there was someone who knew me, saw through to the heart of me, and still loved me.

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mushy

I Walk the Line

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine. Over the years I have been caught off guard and left myself open for attack. Now I keep my eyes wide open, though, not all the time. Admittedly I still slip up and make unwise decisions based on foolhardy emotions. These decisions always come back to haunt me. I either fall for the wrong woman, or I fall for someone whose feelings are not reciprocated. It doesn’t take long to realize that when a woman says “The right woman is out there for you, you are a great guy” what they are thinking is… “I’m not the one for you because I am infatuated with someone more attractive”.

I have been in love. I wouldn’t call it the healthiest relationship, but it was love. And she loved me. It was one of the few times in my life where I felt some sense of completion. God intentionally made us with two missing pieces. The first missing piece of the puzzle can only be replaced by Him who created us, and the second piece, by our spouse. When the puzzle is complete we no longer see our life as fragmented and complicated; we instead see the big picture. We see the beautiful portrait that God has painted; the portrait of our lives.

In my life I have tried to complete the portrait, but with the wrong pieces. I have spent years battling addiction to drugs, cigarettes, food, alcohol and unhealthy relationships. My addiction was an attempt to repeatedly fill a void with the wrong passion. My relationship with God has waned heavily over the years; however He has kept a closer watch on my heart than I have. I am constantly reminded by Him what an intricate role He wants to have in my life, and how He desperately wants me to see the unveiling of His completed masterpiece.

I want to see it too.

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mushy

Breathe

I have been down for a while. I am wondering why I am here. I am wondering what I am doing. I believe God has a plan for me, I just wish I knew what it was, and if I am too far gone to fulfill it. There’s a light at each end of this tunnel and I’m just as far in as I’ll ever be out. These mistakes I’ve made, I’ll just make them again; if I only tried turning around.

Or maybe that’s what Utah represents. Maybe I am turning around. I am heading back the way I came. But that’s geographical. Internally I continue to run, like I always do. I can no longer run from myself. It is impossible. It is reckless. The more I run the more I lose myself and the more I lose myself the more I don’t like what I have become. This only causes me to continue running.

How do I break the cycle? What can I do? Do I even deserve to be happy? Maybe I am meant to continue wandering, remaining unattached from the world, myself, and everyone else.

We can’t jump the track; we’re like cars on a cable. Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table. No one can find the rewind button. So we cradle our head in our hands, and breathe. Just breathe.